Control and ego have been showing up a lot lately in my work with senior leaders. Whether it’s managing people, strategies, or emotions, control often gives a false sense of safety. And what many are discovering is when driven by fear, control doesn’t actually work.

The tighter we grip, the more tension we create in ourselves, our relationships, and our work. It blocks flow, agility, and our ability to show up fully. Ironically, the more we try to control, the less in control we actually feel. In comes frustration and anxiety.

What’s often underneath? Doubt. Fear. Insecurity. These roots often trace back to our upbringing, culture, or even generational patterns. Control becomes a coping mechanism, a way to avoid what’s really going on.

We see this dynamic show up in several frameworks:

• In Positive Intelligence, Shirzad Chamine names the “Controller” as one of nine Saboteurs common to so many of us.
• Jennifer Garvey Berger calls control one of the key “mindtraps” in Unlocking Leadership Mindtraps: How to Thrive in Complexity.
• In Theory U, Otto Scharmer describes “letting go” as essential for allowing new ideas and ways of being to emerge.

I keep a sticky note on my desk that says, “Let go to let come.” It reminds me to pause, check in on where my energy’s going, and loosen my grip. When I do, I usually find more creativity, calm, and connection.

And there’s nuance in this: control isn’t always bad. When it’s not driven by fear, when it comes from a grounded, clear place, it can look like confident, courageous leadership. As framed in Positive Intelligence resources: “confident, action-oriented, decisive, willful, persistent, and courageous… Likes to challenge self and others… Can do the right thing even if it’s not popular.”

The paradox remains: the more we control, the less control we actually have.

What might shift if you let go, just a little?